I have been mining my childhood and my relationship with my mother to explore the origins of my mostly serial monogamy with men. At times, I have had overlapping relationships, or concurrent relationships, and I have been looking at what my natural state, whatever that is, might be. I have been attracted to/loved a few women in my life, but most of my major relationships have been partnerships with men.
One of the issues that comes up when I think about how to have multiple sustained relationships in my own life is how I will handle jealousy. I tend to form pretty strong and intimate and deep relationships with people, and when the are off with other people, my psychic core resonates a deep disturbance. In the past, it has been a signal for me to draw back, sabotage the real love in the relationship, and I have not been able to move past it very gracefully. Even when my partners told me that they wanted to stay and live with me, I could not hear that they loved me. I felt betrayed that they were exploring.
I feel that i am to a point in my life where I can sustain multiple, deep, long-term relationships. The funny thing is, my heart rewinds to the place I left off with, years ago, with some of my favorite folk. I wonder if I contact them with my thoughts and feelings, if they would want to pursue renewed explorations with me.
I have been looking back at moments when my core was electrified with dread, when a lover was with someone else, and trying to breathe through it. Some of the situations that I look at were actually caused by me, and I wonder if it is my physical response that was needed to end the relationship.
I almost want to get the first one out of the way. My current (polyamorous) lover has already brought up that he wants to pursue another relationship, concurrent with the one we are having, but I did not feel ready. I wish I were ready. I wish I could just jump in.
Last weekend we were at the Jupiter, in Berkeley, drinking a beer, and looking down on a three-some, holding hands. He was overjoyed. I felt enormous respect for him, but some trepidation on my own part. As I was leaving, however, an extremely handsome African-American was flirting with me, and I really felt as if it were something I could do, to be with a beautiful man like him. I would need a deep connection all the way around, however, so that is good to know, going in.
I know that there is nothing to fear that I cannot live through, and that I am not already at least partially prepared for.