raw foods and bikram

http://rawfoodsandbikram.blogspot.com/

For the month of April, I am meeting the Bikram Challenge: to go everyday, strengthening my practice. This time, I am also adding supplements, juices, Raw Foods, and cutting down on Alcohol and Caffeine. We’ll see how that works out for me. The link is to a blog which will be sort of boring, but will help me to understand this attempt to clean up, and what effects it has on my well-being.

Also, yesterday, as I was setting up my mat in the studio, I saw a fly and killed it. A few moments later I saw another one, and decided to ignore them.

distance

I know it is more my mood, and probably impending PMS, but when I read about how happy my distant partner is, on FaceBook, I fill with anger and frustration. He and I live apart, and see one another one or two days a week, mostly on the weekends. It was his decision to move near to where he works, and we sort of plan on living together again, but the actual time that happens remains vague. I wish I could come home and see him, but he is not here. I wish we could make dinner together, cuddle, and watch a movie, or make love. I don’t really have a date to look forward to when that will happen, because it is all up in the air.

I speak with him on the phone, while he is driving, or shopping for food. They are moments I am sharing with him, but I feel like I deserve more, so when I read his post on FB about how filled with joy and love he is, I wonder what it is I am missing. I figure he is so happy without me, so filled with joy and love, that why would he want to spend time with me? So why am I the idiot wanting anything to be different.

Maybe it is PMS, or maybe I am an idiot, or maybe, quite possibly, both.

how to become a partner

i am learning how to be a partner. it is uncharted territory for me, and is at once joysome and lovely, and frightening and anxiety-ridden. i fear that my relationship is unstable enough to float me away from myself again and again. i try and ground but cannot. i try and separate, and feel so sad that i cannot function. i fear that working so hard to continue in this relationship, i will lose the rest of my life with my continuing inability to function. my lover/partner tells me what is in his heart, and tries to be with me and love me, but he is not always able to give me what i need…
i pray i can find my center, and continue to communicate with him, and move forward with grace. i pray this relationship will feel more stable and sustainable and that we will be able to support one another, instead of being mutually incapacitating….

the Ocean of Grief

a few months ago, I was having a massage, and was floating deeper and deeper into a particularly painful image of my lover with another woman. I was trying to look at why it was hurting me to think of him loving her, and uncovered my fear of being left. I thought of my mother, who left our family when I was a teenager, to move in with a man down the street. I thought about my father, who I never got to meet, because he died when I was a baby. I thought then, as I began to cry, of all the lovely elders I have had who have passed away. My grandmother, whose garden was a bountiful forest of food. My uncle, whose spiritual investigations sparked the passion within me, and with whom I shared years of discussions. I found, as I cried, that I was in an Ocean of Grief. It was calm, and infinitely beautiful and deep, but it was underneath a lot of layers, welling up as tears when a layer was scratched open, or a memory bubbled up to the surface.

swan diving into the abyss

I seem to be wandering as of late in a moist jungle composed of deep loving interludes with my favorite person to explore. When I am not wrapped in conversation and physical exchanges with him, I am out in the world, interacting with people with whom i do not enjoy this intimacy for one reason or another. This sets up a strange but familiar dissonance within which I resonate for most of my work week.

When I try to extend my explorations into my work space, I find that they must be modified, with an emotional shield up, to work. Intermittently, I can find a few minutes to sketch, meditate, or text my intimate, and it replenishes.

Last night, i was humming with anxiety. I was unclear what the plans were for the next week, and I was unwilling to broach the subject with the loved one. I don’t really know why. It might be a general understanding that planning is difficult, if not impossible for him, or it might be that i wanted to pretend that i could go with the flow and not care… or it might be that i was anxious about hearing that he wanted to go and be with his other lover for the weekend, and i was postponing the information.

I finally called, and we had a sweet conversation, the jist of which is lost to me, but the upshot was that we really appreciated one another, that separation was hard, and that when we were together, we had to either speed up (in my case) or slow down (in his case) to be together, and upon separation, the gears had to rev back up or down…

We discussed this gear shifting phenomenon, and the pleasure it was to spend time together, and the strangeness of being together, and then not, and how it was something we were both trying to deal with. We discussed the pleasure of sleeping in a big, empty bed, and how to have that while being together….

the words that fly between us

I have been feeling disconnected from my lover. It is due to a lack of honest, open communication that happens when we are together. Our pattern is to please one another, and to be close and happy. We seem to do better when we have time apart, and then share our feelings over the phone.

Of course it helps to be gentle and choose words carefully. I find that sometimes I will avoid speaking my heart on the phone, because it is easy to say things that might sound harsh, or mean, but are just direct.

The phone is ok for distance communication, from one human to another, but it is not the heartfelt, eye to eye, and “i will hold you now, because this is hard,” sort of communication.

My lover has asked me to tell him what I would like from him. He has asked me what he could do to support me. What kindness and generosity. I don’t know what to say, really, other than I would like this kind of communication, that feeds my soul, to continue. I need the words to fly between us and connect us with their strings of meanings.

polyamory and jealousy

I have been mining my childhood and my relationship with my mother to explore the origins of my mostly serial monogamy with men. At times, I have had overlapping relationships, or concurrent relationships, and I have been looking at what my natural state, whatever that is, might be. I have been attracted to/loved a few women in my life, but most of my major relationships have been partnerships with men.

One of the issues that comes up when I think about how to have multiple sustained relationships in my own life is how I will handle jealousy. I tend to form pretty strong and intimate and deep relationships with people, and when the are off with other  people, my psychic core resonates a deep disturbance. In the past, it has been a signal for me to draw back, sabotage the real love in the relationship, and I have not been able to move past it very gracefully. Even when my partners told me that they wanted to stay and live with me, I could not hear that they loved me. I felt betrayed that they were exploring.

I feel that i am to a point in my life where I can sustain multiple, deep, long-term relationships. The funny thing is, my heart rewinds to the place I left off with, years ago, with some of my favorite folk. I wonder if I contact them with my thoughts and feelings, if they would want to pursue renewed explorations with me.

I have been looking back at moments when my core was electrified with dread, when a lover was with someone else, and trying to breathe through it. Some of the situations that I look at were actually caused by me, and I wonder if it is my physical response that was needed to end the relationship.

I almost want to get the first one out of the way. My current (polyamorous) lover has already brought up that he wants to pursue another relationship, concurrent with the one we are having, but I did not feel ready. I wish I were ready. I wish I could just jump in.

Last weekend we were at the Jupiter, in Berkeley, drinking a beer, and looking down on a three-some, holding hands. He was overjoyed. I felt enormous respect for him, but some trepidation on my own part. As I was leaving, however, an extremely handsome African-American was flirting with me, and I really felt as if it were something I could do, to be with a beautiful man like him. I would need a deep connection all the way around, however, so that is good to know, going in.

I know that there is nothing to fear that I cannot live through, and that I am not already at least partially prepared for.

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